It's been a while since I've posted. And, basically since Ethan started crawling I haven't been posting regularly. While Joel's been gone this fall I've had a bit more time to contemplate. For me, too much time to think usually isn't a good thing:), but God is always working.
I'm a big fan of rules, order, keeping everyone safe by following the rules. And yet, God never said that His way for me, or my family would be safe, or orderly. Instead He said it will be just where we're supposed to be, just what we need.
If I've ever talked to you about our life in the Army, you've probably heard me talk about how Army life affords us the unique opportunity to come face to face with our dependency on God's sovereignty in our lives. And I do truly believe that. And I do truly believe, at any given moment that I'm striving to live that out. And then God shows me yet another area of my life, where I've drawn the boundaries and said but I don't have to trust you here because I've got this area covered. It's plenty safe. It doesn't real need to be a God thing.
When Joel leaves for training, I am forced to face the reality that his next deployment is closing in on us. As nutty as it sounds, the combat part isn't what's getting me right now. I suppose the Lord has chosen to keep him safe thus far, and who am I to worry about the inevitable danger he will be in?! But now, I am a scared parent. Scared that I can't be enough for Ethan. Scared that he won't melt in Joel's arms when he comes home. Scared that I'll resent him for missing a year of Ethan's life for a job I know he is called to. Yet, there is a real part of me that wants loving Ethan and I to mean that this job isn't worth it. It's so hard for me to comprehend leaving Ethan for a weekend, so how can he leave for a whole year?! Even beyond that, how can he want to leave.
And yet, the still quiet voice says, "Have I called you to this place?" "Yes Lord." "Then that is all you need know."
Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary. Joel is out of contact for the next 2 weeks+. I am more in love with Joel now, then I have ever been. I am deeply thankful for the Godly husband, and father that he is, and for our sweet Ethan. I know that God has our steps laid out for us, and it's not for me to worry about how inadequate I am as a mother, or how Joel's time away will effect his relationship with Ethan. Ultimately, I make God smaller every time I doubt that He is big as I know He is. He's got this. I'm the one who needs to let it go...yet again.
